How to Create Meaning in Your Life
Success Doesn't ‘Mean’ Anything
I was at a mens group meetup this week. Mens groups, mens circles can be support groups, self development, spiritual groups that provide an outlet where men can share their struggles and challenges, open up and express what they are going through without fear of judgment.
It’s work to understand ourselves and our relationships better, and to make ourselves better and more functional humans. It really is essential work at a time when more men than ever are feeling lost, depressed, disillusioned and lacking in positive masculine role models.
So anyway, I was at this mens group and one of the other men was telling me about his struggles after hitting his goals and success, expecting to feel like he’d made it, but he was still left feeling like life was meaningless. Like what happens now? What’s next?
We spoke for quite a while, and one of our discussion points that seemed particularly poignant was around shifting focus from being aimed at specific goals, to instead paying attention to building and maintaining better habits. You see when we’re focused on achieving a particular goal, we might be driven and motivated to reach it but, once fulfilled, it can never deliver us a lasting sense of satisfaction.
Our feelings about anything atrophy. We get used to what we have and we start to take it for granted. This is why so many of us are often off chasing the next high, the next job, the next relationship, as soon as the current one loses its shine. Instead, if we can shift our focus to building better habits, we can maintain our interest and growth over much longer periods of time.
A goal can be useful for us to identify the direction we’re heading, but if we can then outline the daily habit that will move us in that direction, and commit to continually refining that practice, we can build a lifelong habit that will keep us on the path to becoming the best versions of ourselves. Our priority becomes how can we be better than yesterday? And we can always be better.
As I say, a specific goal is useful to help you set a course of where you’re heading, but I’d argue that it still largely depends on you already knowing with absolute certainty what your purpose is in life. For those of us who are struggling in this area, there are other tools that can provide a framework to help us find meaning and fulfilment from within, by continually reflecting on, and optimising key areas of our lives.
Masculine Archetypes
There’s a book that’s famous in men’s work communities, called King warrior magician lover, by Douglas Gillette and Robert L. Moore. The King, the warrior, the magician and the lover, the authors suggest, are 4 masculine archetypes that we can use to assess how functionally we are performing in our lives.
They cover the core aspects of life in which a man must be functioning in order to be fully realised as the best version of himself. To feel fulfilled. Now I’ll give a quick summary of each, but I highly recommend checking out the book if you’ve been struggling with feeling lost or lacking meaning. I’ll share a link in the notes below.
The warrior archetype, as you might expect, is indicative of a man’s ability to show up with strength, protection and power in his life. Can he protect his family and those close to him? Can he look after himself? Can he take decisive action and be a leader for others?
If a man is in alignment, these are the traits you can expect from the warrior. But, each of these archetypes can also be over-indulged or repressed. If the warrior archetype is over-indulged, a man will become cruel and overly aggressive, using his strength and power to abuse and control. Conversely, when repressed, a man is weak and timid, unable to stand up for himself and protect his loved ones.
The magician archetype is about a man’s ability to create – to build something from nothing. To strive for a noble purpose and be capable in bringing his ideas into reality. When over-indulged, the magician leads to manipulation – using his skills and knowledge for personal gain. When repressed he is ineffective, incapable of taking action in the world.
The lover archetype is, of course, about how a man shows up in his relationships. Is he present, engaged, devoted to his partner. Can he lead the relationship with honesty and integrity and hold space for his partner, helping her to open up.
When the lover is over-indulged he, again, becomes manipulative, addicted to sex, desires of the senses. When repressed he is weak and unable to express his desires, he struggles to connect and form bonds.
Now all three of these archetypes feed into the King archetype, which is about how a man truly shows up in his life and how he interacts with others. A fully realised king will be just, fair, lead with integrity and intention, and lift up those around him. An over-indulged king becomes a tyrant. Controlling and suppressing, manipulative and out purely for personal gain. A repressed king is weak, paranoid, unable to lead and unaware of what he stands for.
How to use Archetypes
This is an incredibly useful tool for reflecting on how we see ourselves performing as men. For identifying any areas of our life that need to be addressed. I’ve used it myself and reference it often, to help me get honest about areas where I’ve felt like I’ve been weak, or not showing up as the man I wish to be.
There are female equivalents to this too, I’ve seen it written as The Queen, the Mother, the Wise Woman and the Lover, each with their own unique traits. I’m not familiar enough with these to delve in too deep, but maybe I’ll look into it for a future video. Let me know if this would be of interest. And there are countless other archetypes that can be worth exploring to help us observe how we are showing up in our lives.
For example we can use these to check in daily to see whether we’re heading in the right direction. Spending 10 minutes every morning thinking about how we’re showing up in relation to each of these areas, where we’re letting ourselves down and what we can do to improve, can have a profound impact on our lives.
It provides a framework for us to measure our growth against without relying on any external influence. It’s me vs me from yesterday. And that’s all that matters. Being able to objectively confront myself and how I’m showing up, and being able to see my progress, helped me overcome my depression.
Why Do This Work
I really want to encourage you to spend some time getting honest with yourself about what areas of your life you’re not showing up at your best. It can be painful to accept where we’re letting ourselves and our loved ones down, but as men, I believe that this is what we are made to do.
Charles Darwin coined the term, survival of the fittest, to explain how the members of a species that were most adapted to their environment were the ones who got to mate and pass on their genes. Nature rewards those who are most resilient because they will pass on the genes with the best chance of survival.
I believe a big reason why so many people are depressed nowadays is because we’re not being challenged and building our resilience. By seeking comfort we’re denying nature the best versions of ourselves. Many men complain about their partners testing them and giving them a hard time, but my perspective on it is the same – we’ve evolved over millions of years to desire the best and most resilient.
Our partners want us to be the best version of ourselves because that’s what provides the best chance for the survival of our genes. We can choose the perspective that they are having a go at us, or we can choose to see it as them showing us places where we still need to improve – because they want us to be the best we can be.
Life is suffering whichever way we look at it. But we can choose a more useful perspective on any situation. We can choose our suffering and face it willingly, do the hard work to find out who we are and what we’re capable of, or we can wait for life to show us the hard way.
If you feel that you’re lacking in the way that you show up relation to the warrior archetype, hit the gym, or take up a martial art. For the magician, you could start a side hustle, or spend some time thinking about what unique knowledge or perspective you have that you could give as service to those around you.
For the lover, we might take a look at the honesty and integrity we’re bringing to our relationship. Are we listening, communicating truthfully and leading by example in the way we want our relationship to blossom. The King will look after itself. But if you are just and fair, and do your best by the people around you, you will be well on the way.
Thank you for reading. I want to help you find more helpful perspectives, to bring more meaning and purpose into your life. If you’ve found this useful or you have any questions, please let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.